This is a short story that I had originally written for my sister, per her request as a birthday gift. It’s inspired by true events… I’ll give you one guess as to who inspired it.
I never intended for anyone else to read this, but I figured for Nolan’s first birthday, I’d share it with the world.
First warning: it’s kinda long.
Second warning: despite the title, this story is definitely NOT intended for children.
Third warning: this gets vulgar. I hope you’ve got a good sense of humor.
“Come to the movies with me, man. It’ll be me, Mikaela, and her friend, Lori.”
The thought of going to the movies didn’t particularly excite Mike. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy spending time with Liam, quite the opposite. He’d been best friends with Liam since 4th grade, and they basically spent every day together. But now juniors in high school, Liam had started to develop friendships outside of their small hometown. Both Mikaela and Lori resided one town over. It had only been a few weeks since Liam had officially asked Mikaela to be his girlfriend. However, since they were both too young to have drivers licenses, seeing each other was strictly limited to the weekends when they could get a ride somewhere.
“We’re gonna see the new robot movie with Will Smith. Come on man, don’t make me go alone.” Liam pleaded.
“Ok, ok. I’ll go.”
Date night finally rolled around. The boys hopped in Liam’s mom’s Dodge Intrepid and headed to the movie theater. Mike sat in the backseat and listened to Liam and his mom discuss the details of the evening to follow as they began their route.
Liam’s mom pulled up to the theater and came to a stop right out front. Mike and Liam thanked Mrs. Aletti, confirmed what time the movie would be ending, and stepped out of the white sedan to go meet Mikaela and Lori.
“Have fun, guys. I’ll see you in a few hours.” hollered Mrs. Aletti as the boys waved her goodbye.
“You know if the girls are here?” asked Mike as the boys slowly shuffled towards the theater entrance.
“No, not really. Let’s just go inside, they’ll see us there probably.”
The boys headed inside the theater, picked up their tickets, and waited in the lobby until they spotted the girls strolling in. The idea of buying the girls’ tickets didn’t even cross the boys minds, as the part of the brain responsible for chivalrous acts had apparently not fully developed yet.
“Ah, there they are.” Liam blurted out as he pointed to two young girls entering the theater lobby.
Mike looked over across the lobby as his eyes landed on Liam’s new lady friends. Even though Liam had dated Mikaela for several weeks now, Mike had only briefly met her once at a neighborhood block party a couple week’s back. She was a very cute girl with light brown hair and a dazzling smile even with a mouth full of braces. Her green eyes shined on the backdrop of her light skin, even in the dimly lit theater. She had a slightly tom boyish style, dressed in jeans, a plain hooded sweatshirt, some worn in Chuck Taylor’s, and a small purse draped across her body. She didn’t wear a ton of makeup, which didn’t seem to matter as she naturally looked date ready almost all the time. On the rare occasions where she did wear makeup, Mikaela’s natural beauty was only amplified tenfold.
Mike had never met Lori before. She was Mikaela’s best friend despite the two of them being the dictionary definition of ‘opposites attract’. Unlike Mikaela, Lori sported a face full of thick eyeliner, blush, and cherry scented sparkly lip gloss. Her artsy style was basically a polar opposite of Mikaela’s tom boy look. Lori proudly sported striped knee high socks, a torn jean skirt, a Newfound Glory t-shirt, and fingerless cotton gloves. Her huge purse was littered with homemade patches and black Sharpie doodles. If teenage angst had a poster child, Lori was one of the nation’s front runners.
The boys made their way across the lobby and exchanged awkward small talk with the girls before shuffling into the theatre. Once inside, they awaited the start of the movie while talking amongst themselves, with most of the chatter occurring between the friends that arrived together. Remember those days? When you had dates but were still too shy and timid to really talk to the person you were on the ‘date’ with? Silly teenagers.
The movie itself was really attention grabbing. A futuristic story about how robots became self aware was enough to keep any male teenagers interest, but Mike found himself quite distracted through the whole time. His distraction did not come from issues from a cinematography standpoint, but because Mikaela and Lori’s somewhat incessant chatter and snickering make it hard to focus.
Liam didn’t notice or simply dealt with it because, well, that’s just what you do when you when you’re a teenage boy with a girlfriend. Puppy love and raging hormones increase toleration for things like that apparently.
Once the movie finally ended, Mike was admittedly relieved to say goodbye to Lori and Mikaela. They took what would have been a good movie and turned it into a series of Mike and Liam having to explain what had just happened in the previous scene thirty times over. Mike didn’t exactly have a ton of expendable income as a 16 year old, and this night just proved to him that his $14 could have been better spent elsewhere.
Despite his first interaction with Mikaela and Lori leaving a somewhat unpleasant taste in his mouth, the following months would prove to be the beginning of a blossoming friendship between Mike and the girls as they would end up seeing much more of each other during their time at school. Although as close as Mike grew to the girls, Liam seemed to do the exact opposite. He and Mikaela eventually broke up on mutual terms as it just wasn’t working out between the two of them.
Casual pleasantries exchanged in the hallways soon evolved into full fledged conversations during shared classes between Mike and Mikaela. Before they knew it, they were arranging their elective courses to hopefully land them in the same classes so they could spend more time together. Mike’s less than stellar first impression of Mikaela had soon been forgotten and replaced with the eagerness to see her throughout the day.
It was slowly but surely becoming a normal occurrence for Mike to talk to Mikaela every single day, whether it was in person, via online chat, or more often than not, both. Their friendship had evolved from casual acquaintances at school to full fledged best friends. They now saw many movies together, however Mike’s experience with them was now almost always a positive one.
The week of spring break rolled around when Mike finally invited Mikaela over to his house without any other accompanying friends, which was usually the norm. He’d decided that it was about time to man up and admit that his feelings of friendship had grown deeper and evolved into something much more meaningful.
Mikaela arrived at Mike’s house on a Thursday evening during their spring break. It was a cool spring evening, the type of night where you left the windows open before going to sleep to let a refreshing breeze tip toe through your room. The ring of the doorbell suddenly rang throughout the house. Mike dropped his phone and sprung to his feet, making his way to the front door.
“Hey Mikaela,” Mike said as he waved goodbye to her older brother, who had just dropped her off.
“Wanna watch a movie? I just rented Predator.” asked Mike as he flashed a grin.
“Yeah! That sounds great.” she excitedly replied. The cheerful and eager tone of her response hinted that they could just sit in silence and she still would have been excited to do so, as long as she was with Mike.
The two had developed a love for watching their favorite childhood movies together, which coincidentally happened to be a lot of the same movies. Predator was one of their all time favorites, but this was the first time the two had watched it together. The next two hours were full of them quoting their favorite lines from the movie in God awful Arnold Schwarzeneggar accents.
Once the final credits rolled, the two decided to head outside to the backyard to jump on Mike’s trampoline. It was too nice of a night to not spend at least some of it outside, even though the temperature had dropped a few degrees since Mikaela’s arrival. They awkwardly hopped through the protective mesh netting of the trampoline and spent the next hour or so playfully bouncing, laughing, and simply enjoying each others company.
Mike and Mikaela’s relationship had developed into something much deeper than a typical high school friendship between a boy and a girl. Their personalities meshed beautifully. Mikaela’s quirks complimented Mike’s oddities in a synchronous harmony. Their crude senses of humor and similar outlooks on life made spending time together not only something they enjoyed, but something that almost seemed like a necessary part of their every day lives now.
Friendly chatter on the trampoline slowly morphed into coy, flirtatious advances. Neither of them wanted to come out and admit it, but their feelings for one another had become a very poorly kept secret. Accidentally bumping into each other while they jumped turned into interlocked fingers, and before they knew it, they were both laying side by side on the trampoline. Their conversation had quieted, but was now replaced with loving stares into each other eyes. Neither of them spoke a word for the next two minutes, but there was plenty said.
Mike gently rolled over closer to Mikaela and brushed her bangs out of her eyes. He flashed a smile which was immediately and lovingly reciprocated. After a few moments of finally working up the courage, he gently placed his hand on her cheek, leaned in, and kissed Mikaela softly on the lips.
As the two embraced one another, the brisk, night air no longer felt cold. The noisy summer insects fell silent. Time itself stood still. Nothing else in the world mattered at that moment.
This kiss would be the first of many of the course of the following 11 years. And neither Mike nor Mikaela had any issue with that.
The years were very kind to Mike and Mikaela. After graduating from Syracuse, where they naturally coordinated to attend after high school, they both landed jobs within three months of wrapping up college. Mikaela was hired at one of the regions leading accounting firms while Mike landed a job with a very promising start up tech company.
When the two finally tied the knot, it was really more of a formality. Everyone knew these two would end up getting married, and it was more a matter of ‘when’ versus ‘will they’? Having said that, it ended up being one of the most memorable nights of both of their lives spent with friends and loved ones.
Three years had passed since their wedding and Mike and Mikaela had finally saved up enough money to be able to afford their forever home. After months of searching and weighing out their options, they finally put a down payment on a home and said goodbye to the one bedroom apartment that they had been calling home for the last two or so years.
Moving from a one bedroom apartment into a three bedroom house was a bit of an adjustment as they didn’t really own enough stuff to fill the house. For the first nine months, most of the rooms stayed bare with little to no furniture in them. This, coupled with the fact that Mikaela had recently started to experience the onset of baby fever, meant only one thing.
“Do you think you’re ready to have a baby?” asked Mikaela with a hopeful inflection in her tone.
“Eh… I’m… uh..”
Mike knew the answer as he said it to himself. “No! I’m only 25! I’m still a kid myself!”
“I mean, I think I’d like to wait just a bit… we’re still so young.” replied Mike, hoping his response wouldn’t completely shatter Mikaela’s hopes and dreams.
But this did not deter Mikaela, as she would continue to bring up babies almost daily for the next six months. Mike had his reservations about becoming a father at what he perceived to be such a young age, but a man can only say no so many times before he caves.
A few weeks later, Mike drove home after his usually day at work, planning out what he would make himself for dinner that night. He had some frozen tilapia in the freezer, maybe he would bake that with some veggies on the side, depending on what Mikaela wanted.
Mike pulled into his driveway, entered his house and was greeted by a large box on his kitchen island, topped with a decorative bow. This was unusual, but Mike didn’t think much of it.
“Hi babe” chirped Mikaela as she stood from the living room couch to greet him.
“Hey babe… what’s with the box?” asked Mike.
“I got you a present!”
An alarm went off in Mikes head.
“It’s April 4th…” he thought to himself. “It’s not her birthday, it’s not our anniversary….”
He continued to quickly rack his memory as to why she would surprise him with a gift.
“She wasn’t up for a promotion… what am I missing? Am I in trouble? Is this some gift she’s giving me out of spite because I already forgot something weeks ago?” he thought.
“What’s the occasion?” he asked cautiously.
“I just wanted to get you a gift!” she replied.
Weird, but OK.
“Open it!” she said, barely containing herself.
Having no reason to believe he was in any sort of trouble, Mike opened the box and sifted through scores of tissue paper. After a few seconds of searching, he felt something soft at the bottom of the box. He grabbed it, pulled it out, and revealed two infant baby shoes.
And before he could finish his sentence, Mikaela simply could not contain her excitement any longer.
“I’m pregnant!!!” she screamed, leaping into his arms, tears streaming down her cheeks.
A feeling of elation of happiness never felt before immediately swept over Mike. Not normally one to cry, he couldn’t help but let his eyes well up with tears as his emotions had gotten the better of him. He was going to be a daddy.
“When did you find out?”
“This morning! I wanted to call and tell you but I didn’t think that was the best way to do it! It’s been killing me to hold this in for a full work day! Babe, we’re pregnant!!!!”
Mikaela danced around the kitchen, smiling from ear to ear. Her year long desire to have a baby was finally coming true. In just nine months, she would be a mommy to a little boy or girl and she was absolutely thrilled.
After another minute of celebration, Mike and Mikaela’s heart rates finally return to a somewhat normal cadence. They quickly discussed what they wanted to eat for dinner, and began the necessary preparations.
And that’s when it hit Mike.
Remember the scene in the Lion King where Simba chases a lizard into a valley and suddenly feels a faint rumbling? He looks at some nearby pebbles which began to tremble? And without any sort of real warning, he spots a stampede of wildebeest coming right at him?
Well, look at that Simba, you’re about to get THE FUCK stomped out of you by some clip clopping mother fuckers. You can try and run, but your stupid lion cub ass is about to get wrecked so hard that no one at Pride Rock will be able to identify your body unless Rafiki can pull your dental records.
This is about the same feeling that swept over Mike about five minutes after his pure joy had subsided. A dark, ominous cloud of worry, doubt, and fear fully engulfed him. His head immediately flooded with worst case scenarios.
“You’re having a child?! How the fuck are you gonna pay for it?? Do you know HOW EXPENSIVE kids are?! When’s the last time you even held a baby? WHEN YOU WERE ELEVEN GOD DAMN YEARS OLD?? You know nothing about kids! What are the chances this baby is born fully healthy? What if this kid grows up to fucking murder people?? TED BUNDY HAD A NORMAL CHILDHOOD YOU KNOW. HIS PARENTS DID EVERYTHING RIGHT.”
You could have asked Mike to boil water at that moment, and he would have stared blankly at you. His brain had failed and was mid re-boot.
Is this really happening?
After a minute, Mike composed himself and enjoyed a lovely dinner with his beautiful wife. This was after all, a wonderful day. One he would never forget.
Oh, but yeah, internally he was still freaking the fuck out. Poker face, baby, poker face.
“Are you cooking ground bee…”
And that was all Mikaela was able to mutter before she puked everywhere.
Pregnancy hormones had kicked in 110% in the following six weeks, and it showed. Mikaela was experiencing the miracle of life and all of the joys it brought along with it.
Mike stood in silence as he helplessly listened to Mikaela projectile vomit in the downstairs bathroom. He was indeed cooking ground beef, which unbeknownst to him, triggered an intense gag reflex in his pregnant wife. Apparently a lot of mothers naturally develop an aversion to raw beef during pregnancy because of it’s potential to transfer life threatening germs to the growing fetus in their bellies. Nature is fucking crazy like that.
Not only did Mikaela threaten to shank Mike with a dirty prison shiv if he cooked any more raw beef around her, but she was now in a constant battle with fatigue. Small tasks like walking up the stairs left her wheezing, and most of her free time was spent sleeping or laying on the couch, trying to not to die.
Pregnancy is no joke. It is not what you see on Gerber commercials. There’s no glowing mothers staring out into the distance through her kitchen window as she lovingly strokes her bump with a gentle smile on her face. What a load of shit. You know what mom’s are really thinking during their first trimester?
“FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU. I HATE THIS. I CAN ONLY EAT TWO FUCKING GRAHAM CRACKERS AT A TIME WITHOUT PUKING. I’M FUCKING TIRED. IS THIS OVER??”
But sadly, no, it was not over. This was just the beginning.
Mike did what he could to make sure his wife was comfortable during her pregnancy, but there’s not much he could do. It’s like trying to put out a building fire with a squirt gun. You could have the best intentions, but it’s not helping.
The first trimester came and went and thankfully things calmed down a bit in the second trimester. Mikaela’s food aversions had largely subsided and she had regained a majority of her energy. Soon enough it was like business as usual for the two of them.
But everyone knows when things calm down, it’s only because you’re in the eye of the hurricane. You think you’re in the clear and that all is well. But it’s at that exact moment that mother nature backhands you in the mouth, forcibly bends you over and whispers into your ear, “Scream if you want, no one will hear you.”
The third trimester arrived, and with it so did a big ol’ baby belly. Despite this, Mikaela looked absolutely phenomenal. From behind, you wouldn’t have even known she was pregnant at all. Though as nice as this was, the belly proved to bring it’s own set of problems as her pregnancy continued on.
“None of my clothes fit anymore. This fucking sucks. You hear that little fucker?!” she said aggresively motioning at her belly. “NOTHING FITS ME ANYMORE.” Her frustration boiled over as she continued to talk.
“Babe, you look great, you really do. You’re not as large as you think you are.”
“Shut up Mike. Yeah, I’m small and Michael Jackson is the ideal candidate to run an all boys daycare. I can’t even see my fucking toes anymore! Do you know how hard it is to put on a sock?! HUH?! I bet you wouldn’t like it if you could no longer see your dick, WOULD YOU? Shut your stupid mouth before I stab you.”
There is only so much a man can do during the nine month pregnancy period to provide comfort. But rubbing your wife’s shoulders and gently saying ‘There, there” only does so much. After a while you just start to feel useless while your wife does all the hard work.
Side note: Mike secretly thanked God every day for giving him a penis.
As the due date loomed closer, Mikaela reached a point where she thought her belly couldn’t possibly grow any larger. She only stood 5’2 and weighed 125lbs in soaking wet clothes. But nature and that belly didn’t give two shits. Every time Mikaela thought to herself, “OK, this is my biggest, I can’t possibly stretch anymore”, that little baby inside of her said, “Lol, this stupid bitch” and then grew even more.
“I can’t wait for this fucking thing to get out of me.” sighed Mikaela as she googled ‘ways to naturally induce labor’.
“I know babe, it’ll be over soon enough, just stay patient.” said Mike, knowing damn well that most first time mothers tend to be late. He didn’t dare tell her this for every day she stayed pregnant was another day she spent in extreme discomfort. Pregnancy, he learned, is basically the equivalent of wearing wet socks with sneakers, constantly having the urge to sneeze without it ever coming, and having a conversation with your grandmother about oral sex techniques… all while being stabbed in the ribs repeatedly.
At nine months pregnant, the act of getting in and out of bed was pretty similar to watching a turtle trying to flip itself off it’s back. There’s a lot of rolling around, rocking back and forth, limb flailing, and a hopeless stare which says, “this is fucking pointless… guess I’ll just lay here forever.”
It was 6:03 a.m. the morning of April 29th. Mike had already left for work, so with exception of Duncan, Mike and Mikaela’s 3 year old English bulldog, Mikaela had the house to herself to get ready for work.
She started her day as she always does with a shower, but today felt slightly off. It had been about an hour since she woke up, and since that point she had begun to feel what could only be described as contractions. She initially brushed it off as nothing, as she had been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions, or false contractions, for about 2 months now.
“This is nothing new”, she thought to herself. “Better get ready for work.”
So just as she always does, Mikaela prepped herself for work and made the 15 minute commute to her offices located downtown. Her contraction like feelings had not gone away. In fact, they were rather persistent, something she had not experienced up to this point.
Being the head of her department, Mikaela was scheduled to train a recent hire on some of the office procedures and happenings. It was a laborious task, one in which she never looked forward too, especially while being heavily pregnant.
“So when the 1080 forms come in, where do I put them?” asked Jerry, the new hire.
Mikaela heard the question, but the intense cramp like feeling she was currently experiencing blocked her brain from forming any sort of response.
“Hey FUCKTARD, I heard you, but this demon inside of me is doing his best Cirque Du Soleil act on my fucking uterus and it’s making it difficult to focus on your stupid ass question.” she thought to herself.
“Would you excuse me?” she said politely, as she waddled away from her desk to the nearest bathroom.
Mikaela was in state of denial up to this point. The overwhelming and constant feelings of discomfort and pain she had been experiencing over the last few months left her thinking that it would never end, that she was doomed to carry this child forever. So even though her contractions were growing closer together, she simply refused to believe it was time.
The day drudged along, with every passing hour bringing about more forceful contractions. Despite her best efforts, Mikaela finally gave in and went to her boss.
“I think I need to go home Barb. I’m feeling contractions coming on.”
Even though Mikaela’s contractions were nearing six minutes apart, she very impressively almost worked a full day. By the time she arrived back home, she began to time them out to see if she met the ‘five minutes apart, one minute long, lasting over one hour’ criteria for being admitted to the hospital.
Mikaela picked up her phone and sent Mike a text message.
“I think you need to come home”
Within a few minutes she received a response.
“Is it time?”
“I dunno… maybe.”
Erring on the side of safety, Mike told his boss that he needed to leave and promptly made his way back home to be with Mikaela.
Mike arrived home shortly thereafter and rushed into the house to see how his wife was holding up. He found her on their living room couch, food in one hand and her phone in the other.
“Well, what’s the deal?” asked Mike. “Is it time?”
“It’s going to be a false alarm, I know it.” replied Mikaela.
“Ok, well how far apart are the contractions?”
“Hmm, my app says they’re hovering between 4-5 minutes. It’s false though.”
“4 fucking minutes?!” screamed Mike. “Babe, we need to go!”
Mike rushed upstairs, grabbed their already packed hospital bag along with a few other items and rushed outside to throw them in the trunk of his Subaru. As Mike continued to grab the necessary items for an extended hospital stay, Mikaela slowly shuffled about, trying her best to put on her own shoes without tipping over.
With the car packed up with Mikaela and Duncan, Mike made his way to drop off the dog at a friends house as they unfortunately could not bring a bulldog to the hospital with them. Stupid fucking policy.
With Duncan dropped off, Mike and Mikaela started the route to the hospital.
“We’re going to be parents… this is so weird.” Mike said aloud.
Mikeala sat in silence as she let that sentence sink in.
“Yeah… I know,” she finally replied. “Can we get tacos before we go to the hospital?”
Within 10 minutes, Mike and Mikaela had arrived at the hospital.
“I’m gonna pull up front and walk you in. I’ll get the car later.” Mike told his wife.
“Uh, no you’re not. I can walk, I’m not paralyzed. Just park the car, I’m gonna get sent home anyway. This little fucker will be in me for another 2 weeks I bet.”
Not wanting to upset his wife, Mike parked his car and the two walked from the parking lot into the hospital.
“Hi, we called a little bit ago,” said Mikaela to the receptionist at the front desk. “I think I may be going into labor.” She flashed a polite grin, as she normally does when interacting with strangers.
The receptionist gave Mikaela a once over and shot her a look that said, “this bitch is waaaay too calm to be in labor”. She then proceeded to verify her information and informed her a nurse would be down shortly to get her admitted.
As promised, within 5 short minutes a nurse called Mikaela over and placed her in a wheelchair to be wheeled into the delivery room.
Mikaela was freakishly calm at this point. She made casual conversation with the nurse as they all made their way to the delivery room, with Mike following along behind them.
Once inside the delivery room, Mikaela undressed, got into her hospital gown and prepped herself to be examined by the nurses. She laid down on the bed and turned her attention to the attending nurse.
“Well, first we just need to give you a quick once over to see how far along you are. From there we’ll determine if it’s time or if you need to wait a little bit longer.” explained the nurse.
Mikaela had already fully and mentally prepped to hear that she was going to be sent home, so she half heartedly paid attention to anything else the nurse had to say.
Mike had set up shop in the lone chair provided to him and proceeded to do literally not a god damn thing. Once a pregnant female enters a hospital in preparation to give birth, men officially serve no purpose whatsoever, like a vegetable tray at a Super Bowl party. He was simply decoration at this point, if not taking up valuable space for nurses and doctors.
After a minute or two of examination by the attending nurse, she let out a startled, “Oh!”
“What’s ‘oh’? Why are we oh-ing”? asked Mikaela.
“Well, my love,” said the nurse in a motherly tone. “You’re close to being 5 centimeters dilated. This baby will be here before you know it.”
Mikaela’s firm belief that this was all just one big false alarm was instantly replaced with an overwhelming feeling of “Holy fuck, this is happening.” Her eyes darted up to meet Mike’s. His expression also said “Holy fuck”, but it also had a hint of “Already 5 centimeters?! We waited this long? Are you sure that baby isn’t half dangling out of you right now?!”
“Well, we’re gonna need to get you prepped and going, sweetie!” said the nurse.
After receiving the oh-so-awesome epidural, all of Mikaela’s discomfort and pain from contractions simply melted away. That spinal tap took mother nature’s painful contractions and kicked them square in the balls. Drugs are fucking awesome.
“Well, after 5 centimeters, it’ll take about 1-2 hours for every centimeter past that… and we need to be 10 centimeters to start pushing.” explained the nurse to Mikaela.
Mike heard this and started doing some mental math. 5 centimeters now… 1-2 hours per centimeter… need to get to 10…
“Fuuuuuuck me, I could be sitting here for another 12 hours.” Mike thought to himself. What a selfish dick. Mikaela is about to birth a child, one of the most painful experiences a human can go through, and Mike’s worried he’ll get a somewhat uncomfortable night’s sleep. Shut the fuck up Mike.
“Better get some sleep guys, you’ve got a long night ahead of you. You’ll need the strength once you start pushing.” The nurse finished entering some info into the computer and left the room so Mike and Mikaela could get some sleep.
Now if you’ve never tried to sleep in a delivery room, good fucking luck. There’s beeping machines, bright ass computer screens, and nurses walking in and out of the room every 30 minutes. You have a better chance successfully tickling a grizzly bears testicles without getting mauled to death than you do of getting some good sleep in a delivery room.
90 minutes passed and Mike and Mikaela did manage to fall asleep for just a bit, maybe 30 minutes at best. The attending nurse opened the door and flipped on the lights.
“Ok, Mikaela, let’s see how we’re doing.”
The doctor hopped under the sheet covering Mikaela’s body, or as Mike referred to it, the birthing fort. A few seconds later the doctor popped out and excitedly said, “Well, we’re just moving right along. 7 centimeters!”
By now it was a little after midnight and Mike had been up since 4 a.m. In his groggy state, he tried to do some simple math in his head because what he had just heard didn’t seem to fit the 1-2 centimeters per hour rule the nurses had laid out not too long ago.
“Damn babe, that’s fast!” Mike blurted out. “Keep going! Let’s set a speed record for labor!”
“Yes, it does seem to be moving along rather quickly.” the nurse added. “But we’ve still got a ways to go. Try and get some more sleep until we hit 10.”
Mikaela shot Mike a pleasantly surprised but equally shocked look.
“This is going quicker than I anticipated.” she laughed.
“Yes, keep it up!” said Mike, laughing along with her.
The nurse once again entered some information into the computer and then exited the room, gently closing the door behind her.
Once again it was time to get some sleep. At the rate Mikaela was going, this kid was going to be here sooner than later. Mikaela closed her eyes and tried to doze off. Mike, pulling a sheet over his head, tried to do the same.
Somehow Mike managed to actually fall into a fairly deep sleep this time around. He had felt himself drift off quite nicely, finding the one comfortable spot that the hospital fold out allowed. Mike was not used to being awake for twenty plus straight hours, and the sleep deprivation was beginning to hit him hard. So when he finally did drift off, it was a very welcoming feeling.
Bright lights flooded Mike’s vision, violently shaking him from his peaceful slumber. Having never taken out his contacts from the night before, he tried to open his eyes to see what was going on, but it didn’t matter. Mike’s eyesight was cloudy and blurry, and no amount of blinking could grant him clear vision.
Loud talking echoed throughout the room, with multiple voices partaking in the chatter. Mike tried to make out what was going on, but in his sleep deprived state, everything sounded muffled and unclear.
Mike attempted to sit up to shake off the extreme grogginess that had a strangle hold of him, but his body did not want to cooperate. His arms felt heavy as if they were tied down.
Mike had never experienced this level of disorientation before. He contemplated if he had been roofied by a nurse, or maybe kidnapped in the middle of the night by Al-Queda and was now part of some video ransom scenario where they threatened to cut off his head.
After a few seconds of the most violently aggressive blinking fit of his life, Mike finally gathered himself enough to find out what was happening. He looked over at Mikaela, who was sitting up, with a smile on her face.
“Are you ready?” she asked, in a surprisingly cheery tone.
“Fuck no I’m not ready.” thought Mike as the same wave of uncertainty and fear that swept over him 10 months ago suddenly engulfed him again.
“Guess I don’t have a choice!” he said, moving his chair to be closer to his wife.
“Ok, now listen,” said Mikaela gesturing towards Mike. “You WILL NOT look at anything going on down there. I will cut you if you look.”
“Pft, don’t worry. I had absolutely zero intention of looking while you gave birth.”
Mike moved around to the side of Mikaela’s delivery bed and tried to position himself as close to her head and shoulders as possible. He didn’t know what he would really be doing during the actual delivery, but he envisioned it was be similar to what Rocky’s trainer did for him in between rounds. Come on, Rock! *rubs her shoulders* You can do this! Keep hitting that baby with those little pushes and when he’s least expecting it, POW! Grab that fucker by his stupid baby head and rip him straight outta you. He’ll never see it coming!
It didn’t happen quite like that.
The nurses had already given Mikaela her instructions as far as pushing goes, and warned her she might be doing so for a while. They told her actually pushing the baby out was by far the worst part. Mike had heard that the male equivalent of giving birth was like pushing a baseball out of his dick hole, so he truly empathized with everything Mikaela was about to experience.
“And for you Dad,” the nurse said pointing at Mike. “you better not pass out. If you feel woozy or light headed you have to let us know, OK? If you faint, you’ll be taken to the ER and you’ll miss the birth of your child. Plus you’ll make things hard on us and we’ll kinda hate you for it.”
“Pleeeease.” thought Mike. “I will not faint during child birth. I’m not a pussy. Only little bitches do that. I’m about to be a father! Let me show you the type of man I am, the type of man who will be a role model for his unborn son.”
Literally not even five minutes later, Mike got light headed.
In a feeble attempt to hide his pale face, Mike stumbled to the bathroom to pretend to pee. He splashed some water on his face, looked at himself in the mirror and gave himself a much needed pep talk.
“DUDE. Are you fucking kidding me?! What is your deal?? NOTHING HAS EVEN HAPPENED. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO BE LIGHT HEADED. Get your head out of your ass, sack up, and go support your wife who is doing a metric fuck ton more work than you currently are you weak willed, pansy ass, dick cheese eating son of a bitch.”
With another small splash of water on his face, Mike ventured back into the delivery room, determined to force his body to flush the blood back to his face.
Apparently his pep talk did nothing, as the nurses immediately called him out.
“You look pretty pale, dad.” said the nurse to Mike. “You feeling OK?”
“Er… I mean, I guess I feel slightly off.”
The head nurse motioned for another nurse to go grab some graham crackers from a nearby kitchen. She returned a moment later and tossed them over to Mike.
“Eat them.” commanded the attending nurse. “We don’t need you passing out now.”
So like a toddler that was just reprimanded for bad behavior, Mike sat in the corner and sheepishly ate his graham crackers. Nothing says “I’m a man” quite like being force fed a graham cracker by an elderly nurse for fear that she’ll kick you out of the room if you don’t.
She’s lucky they were delicious…
Ten minutes went by and Mike’s color had returned to his face and he truthfully felt much better. He returned to his original bedside position near his wife’s head to assume his emotional support duties.
“Ok, sweetie, big push, big push!!” said the nurse to Mikaela, urging her on as she struggled through the pains of labor. She had been pushing for close to thirty minutes now, with pushes coming in three sets of 10 seconds each. Mike watched as his wife’s face strained harder and harder with every proceeding push. He couldn’t help but feel utterly helpless and extremely grateful all at once. Nothing he did for her up to this point in the relationship could really even hold a candle to what she was doing to give them a family.
Now even though Mike was give specific instructions to not watch any of the birthing process, the dimensions of the room put him in an awkward spot. He didn’t exactly have a ton of room for any sort of bedside maneuvering, almost as if delivery rooms were designed specifically for the woman giving birth, and not her husband. Clearly, this was a design flaw. Don’t hospitals know how tough birth is on men? What inconsiderate assholes design a hospital anyway?
Certain points arose during labor where because of the position Mikaela needed to be in in order to get a good push, Mike couldn’t help but catch a glimpse of ‘the miracle of life’. He tried his best to never make direct eye contact, but even in his peripheral vision, Mike saw more than what he wanted.
Through the corner of his averted eyes, Mike inadvertently got a peek of his son. Either that, or Mikeala was starting the process of blowing a big bubble. Regardless, Mike shifted his focus squarely to Mikaela’s face as to hopefully not see anymore than he already had.
Another twenty minutes of pushing passed along when the doctor stepped into the room to check the progress. He was an older man with a full head of neatly trimmed, thick, white hair. His attention stayed fixed on Mikaela’s lady bits as he paced back and forth, letting the nurses handle a majority of the work. His eyes were dead and he rarely blinked as he maintained a constant stoic expression. The only time he spoke was to ask short but precise questions, never really saying more than 5 words at a time. In any other scenario, this guy would have passed for a serial killer.
“Almost.” said the doctor, so low that it was barely louder than a whisper. Mike wasn’t sure if he was referring to the baby coming out or if he was letting everyone know that the skin suit he just harvested from his last murder victim was near completion. #ItPutsTheLotionInTheBasket
“How… how am I doing doc?” asked Mikaela, trying to catch her breath after a series of grueling pushes.
The doctor remained quiet as he continued to work. He was either so incredibly focused that he had not heard her or he lacked the social skills necessary for holding a conversation, as most sociopaths do. Regardless, Mikaela’s question went unanswered.
Never one to be confrontational, Mikaela usually kept any and all social interactions with strangers pleasant and friendly. But the fatigue and emotional stress she had been experiencing up to that point boiled over upon being ignored.
“No, that’s cool doc! Don’t answer! I’m just trying not to fucking die over here, it’s cool! Great poker face!” she screamed in a blatantly sarcastic tone. Her passive aggressiveness was palpable.
Determining it wasn’t quite time yet, the doctor proceeded to float out of the room like the Ted Bundy vampire mother fucker that he was. The nurses stayed with Mikaela as she continued to push.
“You’re doing great, sweetie, keep it up.” urged Mike.
“Thanks babe.” Mikaela managed to say in between bouts of pushing.
Another twenty minutes passed before Dr. Kevorkian, or whatever the hell his actual name was, made his way back into the room. Assessing the situation, he gave a nod to the nurses, which Mike assumed meant it was time for him to go to work… delivering the baby, hopefully not euthanizing his wife.
As Mikaela continued to push, Mike again could not help but fall victim to the lack of space at his bedside station. Glancing over the bent leg of Mikaela, he witnessed something he never thought he would see in a delivery room.
“Holy fuck balls,” Mike thought. “that looks like a fucking murder scene!”
On the delivery table where Mikaela laid was a fucking POOL of blood. You know that scene in The Shining where the hallway doors open and blood pours out in a tidal wave like fashion? Yeah, well, that gives you an idea of how it looked. There were legitimate PUDDLES of blood at the foot of his wife. The doctor, unfazed by this (as all psychotic murderers would be) carried right along with his work. Apparently this much blood is fairly common during birth, Mike was just blissfully unaware of this. His innocence died when acquiring this new bit of knowledge.
After what seemed like an eternity of pushing, a sudden hush overtook the room. Mikaela finally let exhaustion overtake her body as she let her legs go limp. The doctor, making his last and final adjustments, held up what Mikaela had been growing in her belly for last nine months.
Mike was in absolute awe. There are no words to describe how he felt in that moment. He could only look in amazement as the doctor laid down the child onto Mikaela’s exhausted body. The nurses immediately swooped into action, removing the mucus and birth matter which covered the baby’s, face, eyes and lungs. And after a few seconds, Mike and Mikaela heard their baby cry for the first time.
Overcome with adrenaline and emotions, Mikaela couldn’t help but burst into tears as she held her baby close to her chest. Normally not one to cry, Mike wrapped an arm around Mikaela’s shoulder and couldn’t help but get choked up at the sheer emotional magnitude of the situation. The three of them wept and embraced one another as the nurses and doctors continued about, finishing up the process of everything that had just unfolded.
It was then Mike realized he hadn’t even seen his son’s face yet. When the doctor removed and then laid him down, his son’s back was always facing away from him, obscuring his face from Mike’s view.
Having waited over nine months for this moment, Mike asked Mikaela to reposition the baby so Mike could lay his eyes upon his first born’s beautiful and angelic face.
Carefully, Mikaela turned the baby to face Mike. As the baby’s delicate head rolled to face Mike for the first time, he sat in silence as a rush of emotions overtook him.
“Oh my god…” whispered Mike as he locked eyes with his baby boy.
“He…” he struggled to find his words.
“…he’s… ugly!” thought Mike.
This baby was not cute. This little thing looked like the byproduct of an extraterrestrial coming to earth, getting high on PCP, and then hate fucking a loaf of pumpernickel bread. All of those baby food and diaper commercials that Mike saw with adorable newborns were LIES. Newborns are about as cute as a monkfish.
Mike stared at his son, trying to mask the fact that he just discovered newborns look like fucking lagoon creatures.
“Lets get this little fella weighed!” said the nurse as she reached to grab the baby off Mikaela’s chest. With one swift lift, the baby was off her chest but not before making his first bold move as a human.
“Oh dear, well look at that!” chirped the nurse.
Either this kid smuggled dirty chocolate pudding out of the womb with him, or he just took a massive shit all over Mikaela. Not even alive for three minutes and this baby had already established himself as an asshole that would be wreaking havoc on his parent’s lives for the next 20 to 30 years. Is it too late to shove him back in there?
The next 36 hours were a hazy blur.
Mikaela had been wheeled into the mother suite where she and the baby could both rest and recover after an incredibly tiring delivery. Mike tagged along and set up shop on a chair that unfolded to become an uncomfortable cot type contraption.
None of this seemed to matter one bit as Mike and Mikaela got a combined 3 hours of sleep in the next day and half. The combination of nurses coming in and out of their room, newborn cries, and less than comfortable sleeping conditions made getting sleep next to impossible.
The baby was born at 4:45 a.m. Thursday morning, and come Friday night, Mike was a zombie on Xanax. Having gotten next to no sleep in the last two days, his cognitive and mental capabilities rivaled that of a baboon with a learning disability. The fact that he was able to form complete and coherent sentences to communicate with nurses and his wife absolutely blew his mind.
“If this is what parenthood is like,” Mike thought, referring to his sleep deprived state, “just fucking kill me now. I’m sure orphanages are fun.”
And yet, for as tired as Mike was, he tried to remind himself that his wife probably felt ten times worse. He finally understood why all women absolutely insist that men are straight up pussies when they get sick. It’s because men are straight up pussies, and when compared to women, don’t tolerate pain and suffering anywhere near as well as their female counterparts. You can swing your dick and fluff your ego all you want fellas, but all of you are little bitches compared to women. Just accept it.
Having already discussed this months ago, Mike and Mikaela decided on the name Owen for their new baby boy. They had gone back and forth between a few names, but after giving it some time and actually seeing their baby live and in person, this name seemed to fit the best. Owen had also nicely outgrown his initial hideous newborn appearance and was actually shaping up to be a pretty adorable baby.
The time had come where the new parents had learned all they could from the attending nurses. With all the diaper changing, swaddling, and breast feeding knowledge they could handle, Mike and Mikaela finally felt ready enough to be on their own. When their discharge time finally rolled around, Mike strapped the car seat into his Subaru and the couple loaded their new precious cargo into the car.
Mike had never driven more carefully in his entire life than he did on that first ride home from the hospital. You know how you obey every single traffic law and do the precise speed limit when there’s a cop following you? Imagine that, but if you also turned too sharply or accelerated too quickly, your car would explode. That’s a fairly accurate description of Mike’s approach to driving on the way home.
Once home, Mike unloaded Owen from his carseat and for the first time, stepped foot into their home as a father. With Mikaela not far behind, they walked into the kitchen where they were greeted by flowers and homemade signs welcoming the three of them home and congratulating the new parents.
“I have no idea what to do now.” admitted Mikaela as she unhooked Owen from his carseat.
“Luckily, neither do I.” replied Mike. “Guess we’ll just wing it and hope for the best.”
The first night home was nothing like anyone told them it would be. Despite the warnings to expect the worse, they actually slept surprisingly well, with Owen letting out only an occasional gentle coo or cough.
And then a transgender dragon prostitute broke into their house and cooked everyone Chilean sea bass.
Come on now, you didn’t seriously think they slept through the first night home, did you? Are you fucking drunk?
Like a well oiled machine, Owen woke up about every two hours wailing his head off to be fed, changed, or both. The newly anointed parents did their best to comfort and console him, but it inevitably ended up being a rather long night with sleep only granted to them in short spurts. Good thing sleep isn’t important. That’s what abusing caffeine is for.
The following week was full of ups and downs, as to be expected with a newborn. However, their home was now full of an overabundance of love and adoration for Mike and Mikaela’s new little bundle of joy. Even Duncan had rejoined the family, constantly giving his own version of love to Owen in the form of slobber filled kisses and heavy breathing right in his baby face.
“Babe, can you believe we’re parents?” Mikaela asked Mike as she began to unbutton Owen’s onesie for a diaper change.
Mike looked down at his son on the changing table. Owen’s legs kicked seemingly uncontrollably but in a gentle fashion as he sucked on two of his fingers. His eyes met Mike’s and for a brief moment, he flashed his very first grin right up at his daddy. Mike’s heart melted at the sight of his son’s delicate smile. He knew right at that moment that being a daddy was the greatest thing that had ever happened to him.
“I know babe. I love you so much.” Mike said lovingly as he draped an arm around Mikaela’s shoulder.
She turned and looked at Mike, losing herself in his beautiful, green eyes. A few moments of silence passed with no response, but their love for one another needed no words. Mikaela’s eyes slowly welled up with tears, as she was unexpectedly overcome with an indescribable joy and sense of contentment. She gently caressed Mike’s cheek as he leaned in closer. Their lips met and they shared a kiss that Mikaela felt all the way down in her toes. In that moment, the same butterflies that Mike once gave her as a teenager came swarming back. Mikaela thought she knew what happiness was, but now, she was sure.
It was at this exact moment that Owen violently shit all over Mikaela. A hot stream of butt juice came flying out of Owen’s ass very similarly to how ketchup explodes out of a bottle when you squeeze it too aggressively. The stream of shit hit Mikaela so forcefully that it splattered, hitting nearby clothes and objects like shrapnel from a fecal hand grenade.
“OH YOU LITTLE FUCKER, THESE ARE MY LULULEMON PANTS!! THESE WERE FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!”
Mike stepped aside as he feared becoming the second victim to Owen’s projectile anus blast. He couldn’t help but laugh as he stared at his wife, now splattered in their newborn’s fresh poop.
“Welcome to parenthood!” he laughed.